hidden pieces.

This heart of mine has taken on a lot this past year. As I have felt myself seek out the light, the broken pieces have been coming together, slowly but surely. I found this past journal entry (from December) and it helped me realize the growth I have made in this time. I have been wanting to post for a while now but couldn’t find the words, but I think it is because I had already written them. 

What I’ve learned this past year:

I have never been more aware of myself and my needs.

I have the courage to say NO.

I am willing to stand up for what I want.

I am more protective of my heart and to whom I give it to.

I know that I can be happy with who I am – on my own.

I am better able to recognize how can I train my thoughts to be positive.

I have learned the importance of a counselor.

I have written a beautiful piece on pain.

I am more empathetic and understanding of those who are struggling.

I know to stay clear of boys who are physical quickly.

I know that I want my spouse to value my opinion’s over his family’s.

I know that love hurts and nothing is guaranteed.

I know the pains and heartbreak of pornography.

I know that one of the strongest supports we can receive is being told that what we are feeling is okay and that we don’t have to force ourselves to feel anything.

I have learned that love is the prime example of opposition in all things.

I know that being broken better helps us understand our Savior and come unto Him.

I know that life doesn’t always go according to plan.

I know that I struggle to forgive.

I know that heartbreak takes a while to heal and that’s okay.

I know that love is still worth fighting for.

I know how valuable it is to take time to be alone, to learn, to grow, to grieve, to feel and to hurt. I know that grief is a back and forth process. It is never just done when you reach acceptance once. It is a continual process that requires constant effort.

I know it’s okay to feel like you are at square 1 again – you never really are.

I know that seeking the past in the present never brings joy.

I know that you can’t plan on anything that involves another person’s agency.

You have to have a foundation to fall back on. A foundation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ but also a foundation of who you are and what you value.

I know that God’s will isn’t in every instance. He cannot control another person’s agency but he can help you respond.

I know that He will make everything for our good but not everything is caused by Him.

I know that purpose comes through the Gospel of Jesus Christ and not through circumstance.

I know that I can love again.

I know that social media makes me unhappy.

I know that I struggle with change, especially lots of it at once.

I know my one true friend is Renae.

I know that not everyone understands my pain.

I know how lonely healing is but it is through loneliness that we rediscover ourselves.

I know that healing from pornography is not just for the user but their loved ones as well.

I know that I cannot save anyone.

I know that God does not leave us comfortless.

I know that God prepared me for the heartache I would face.

I know that God is in the details.

I know that God loves me despite my weaknesses.

I know that my family loves me.

I know it will all workout.

One day it won’t hurt.

One day I will reach the peak of this mountain.

Over the past year, I have written some pieces and figured it was time to share.

The in between

You know that moment when nothing feels right? When no one feels right? When you are in constant awkward mode. Nothing is comfortable and everything is new. What you once wanted is no longer there and what you want terrifies you. It’s like crossing the street to get to the other side to realize the blinding lights in front of you. It is looking up and knowing what you looked forward to is about to be blown away. Then you flail through the air. Unaware of where you are or where you are going. Then you land. It hurts. You feel the bruises and know they will take time to heal. And they do. Sometimes you ever wonder if the pain will ever fade. For a time your only focus is healing. But then everyone expects life to go on. They expect you to forgot what was on the other side. They expect that anytime you see a blinding light for you to not reflect back on such a distinct and devastating memory. But each light switch causes the pain to arise again. Maybe I could just live in the dark? Maybe I could buy a light dimmer? I stumble through the dark to reach my bed only to fall on my face again. Does it ever end?

Suffocating

Reaching for the surface but never obtaining it

Falling and knowing there is nowhere to land

Hopelessness

Longing for what never was yours

Missing what you can’t have

The in between of it all

Where do I go?

I am like the waves

Being pulled in and out

Seeping between the grains of sand

As I strive to grasp reality

I let go

I slide back

I become lost in the depth of blue

You look back

I look forward

But in the end

It is all the same

You leave and I stay here

Alone

You left me with goodbye

I left with your goodbye

She is no where to be found

And neither are you

Funny how that works